From 'strangulation' to gangrene, here are few ways masturbating can go horrifically wrong
When it comes to masturbation, simple equals safe. But since variety is the spice of life, plenty of guys have decided to shake up their masturbation routines with exotic techniques or foreign objects. Spoiler alert: This usually does not end well.
Take, for example, the 27-year-old man who decided it would be fun to constrict the flow of blood to his penis—similar to what a penis ring is designed to do—by sliding a plastic bottle onto his Johnson. You can see where this is going.
The bottle became stuck, “strangling” his penis and causing distal edema—a rapid accumulation of blood in his shaft that caused it to swell to twice its usual erect girth, according to case report in the Indian Journal of Surgery.
Take, for example, the 27-year-old man who decided it would be fun to constrict the flow of blood to his penis—similar to what a penis ring is designed to do—by sliding a plastic bottle onto his Johnson. You can see where this is going.
The bottle became stuck, “strangling” his penis and causing distal edema—a rapid accumulation of blood in his shaft that caused it to swell to twice its usual erect girth, according to case report in the Indian Journal of Surgery.
Fortunately, this guy’s penis returned to normal size after doctors cut the bottle away. (They have no idea if the man suffered any long-term effects because they never heard from him again—presumably because he was too embarrassed to answer their follow-up calls.)
After 2 days of vomiting, fever, scrotum swelling, and muscle pain, a 29-year-old finally decided to visit the ER. Doctors eventually diagnosed him with Fournier’s gangrene, a rare type of microbial infection.
The cause? He’d masturbated so frequently that he’d opened up abrasions on the shaft of his penis, which left him vulnerable to infection.
Doctors treated him with antibiotics and several rounds of skin-grating surgery to re-insulate his severely chafed penis from the elements.
Though usually associated with vigorous sex, one comprehensive review study in the journal Trauma and Acute Care Surgery found just 19 percent of penile fractures—a.k.a., broken penises—occur during sex. A whopping 60 percent happen while men are masturbating.
The most common cause? “Angulation and manual compression,” according to the study.
Basically, guys were squeezing too hard and stroked down at the wrong angle, causing a rupture of their rod’s corpus cavernosum—the cylindrical tubes that fill with blood when you have an erection.
Swelling and leaking, as well as a dozen other complications, can cause permanent loss of function, though typically the condition is fixable, the study authors say.
Penile fractures aren’t always the result of a too-enthusiastic hand motion.
According to various case studies detailed in the Canadian Urological Association Journal, multiple men have broken their penises while masturbating in moving cars. (The vehicle stopped suddenly, causing a collision between the penis and steering wheel or dashboard.)
Also making the study’s list: Breaking the penis by hitting it against the wall of a shower—presumably after slipping while masturbating—and hitting the side of a cocktail shaker too forcefully while trying to masturbate into it. (For this last one, no further circumstantial details were provided, unfortunately.)
Do not stuff things into your penis. Maybe that seems obvious, but if case reports are any indication, at least one guy reading this will have decided it was a good idea to cram something into his urethra to stimulate himself during masturbation.
Unbelievably, two different men decided independently that feeding stiff electrical wire into their wangs while spanking the monkey was a good idea.
One of the guys pushed the wire so far down his shaft that it coiled in his bladder.
In both cases, doctors had to perform surgery to remove the wire. Miraculously, both men fully recovered.
Read on if you want to keep yours healthy for life
For all the attention they direct below the belt, most men actually know very little about their penises.
Here’s the knowledge you need to keep yours healthy, strong, and ready for action—for life.
PENIS FACT #1
Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter.
Erections are all about good bloodflow, and lighting up calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation.
An enlarged prostate gland can cause both erectile dysfunction and premature eejaculation. If you have an unexplained case of either, your doctor’s looking forward to checking your prostate. Even if you’re not.
The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds. Women get 23 seconds.
Which means if women were really interested in equality, they’d make sure we have four orgasms for every one of theirs.
The oldest known species with a penis is a hard-shelled sea creature called Colymbosathon ecplecticos.
That’s Greek for “amazing swimmer with large penis.” Which officially supplants Buck Naked as the best porn name, ever.
Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed. Movable skin on the shaft of the penis is pulled toward the tip and set in place with tape.
Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and weights. Years can pass until complete coverage is attained....Okay, we’ll shut up now.
If you think rebuilding a foreskin is weird, you should read the story of how doctors built a man an 8-inch penis in our Crazy But True Tales From a Penis Doctor.
If you think rebuilding a foreskin is weird, you should read the story of how doctors built a man an 8-inch penis in our Crazy But True Tales From a Penis Doctor.
There are two types of penises. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower).
The other appears big most of the time, but doesn’t get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).
An international Men’s Health survey reports that 79 percent of men have growers, 21 percent have showers.
German researchers say the average intercourse lasts 2 minutes, 50 seconds, yet women perceive it as lasting 5 minutes, 30 seconds. Are we that good or that bad?
Turns out size does matter: The longer your penis, the better “semen displacement” you'll achieve when having sex with a woman flush with competing sperm.
That’s according to researchers at the State University of New York, who used artificial phalluses (ahem) to test the “scooping” mechanism of the penis’s coronal ridge. Next up: curing cancer.
Better-looking men may have stronger sperm. Spanish researchers showed women photos of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm—and told them to pick the handsomest men. T
he women chose the best sperm producers most often.
No brain is necessary for ejaculation. That order comes from the spinal cord.
Finding a living vessel for said ejaculation, however, takes hours of careful thought and, often, considerable amounts of alcohol.
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